Monday, July 18, 2011

The Nature of God and the Bar Exam, Thoughts on

But first, an explanation as to my absence from the internet for all this time…

Sorry about that. I was busy.

And now for the blog…

Konichiwa. Today I am writing about a very special topic and avoiding all the obvious humor related to it. This topic is The Bar Exam. Most people think that Bar is an acronym for Bitching-Ass Rough, but this is far from the truth. Bar is actually an acronym for the Latin Bastardi Abutor Resumptum – meaning “the bastards have resumed using abusive language at us.” This is in reference to the fact that you’ve graduated a lawyer but now those professors you “loved” get to yell at you one last time before you become a lawyer. But I digress.

For those of you lay people who don’t understand the significance of the Bar exam, allow me to put it to you like this. Imagine 25 years of schooling which culminates in a degree that is totally awesome and will get you big bucks if you land a job. Now imagine that after all of that schooling and the degree you still have an exam to take –put on by the state –which can pretty much derail any chance you have to work or make money. Now imagine that this exam is taken over two to three days and takes over 20 hours to complete. And that’s the bar exam. Great honor to those who pass it, eternal shame to those who fail it.

Samurai only ever take the Bar exam once. If you fail it, the only way to restore honor is to commit sepuku.

The Bar exam is the last great test that most attorneys will have to take in their lives. Knowing this, it is made as difficult as humanly possible.

This is where the nature of God comes into the picture. Putting your faith in a higher power is suggested for the taking of this exam. As much as hard work and preparation could get you ready to take the Bar exam, prayer will get you through it… And only prayer.

God does not care how much effort you put forth, so long as you ask him to help you out. Why do you think all athletes thank God upon winning a championship? Because while those heathens on the other team were devising strategy and practicing, the winning team had fully put their faith into God asked him for a winning season and a championship. And it’s not just any god, either. It’s the one true God. And the one true God is usually determined when religious institutions play one another in Football. If Texas Christian loses to Texas A & M (which as I understand stands for ‘Arab & Muslim’), then Texas Allah is the one true God. If Notre Dame loses to Purdue, then it is Odin Allfather and the Norse Pantheon which are the one true God(s) and Catholic Jesus is SOL.

Purdue primarily worships Thor's hammer, Mjölner.

So to those of you preparing for the Bar exam, you need to stop preparing and start finding religion. For those of you who want to support those taking the Bar exam, start praying or making sacrifices. The following is a list of acceptable deities to pray to, as well as those deities that you may want to avoid this Bar season (please note that this is all based on the results of the 2010-2011 Bowl season, as it is the only accurate way to determine which god’s are willing to listen):

  • Protestant Christian Jesus (Texas Christian won)
  • Mormon Jesus (Brigham Young won)
  • Catholic Jesus is a maybe (Boston College lost, Notre Dame won).
  • Zeus is a maybe (Michigan State lost, Troy won).
  • Allah is out (Texas A & M lost).
And, despite it not being a bowl game, Purdue lost to Notre Dame in regular season play, so the Norse Pantheon is out.

Purdue did not repent.

And there you have it. Now, pray, pour libations, and sacrifice away! The time for you to defeat the Bar and gain much honor is today!

1 comment:

  1. you are right... you can also find latest Exam Results alerts online.