I was completely paralyzed, I had a heavy pressure on my stomach and chest, I heard a buzzing and a heavy breathing, and I felt like I was being smothered. I honestly thought that I had been attacked by an evil entity. Twice.
|It felt just like this.|
When I decided to change my pants and sneak out of bed, I went to my computer, evacuated my bedroom, and went to a more different room with the plan of going to yellowpages.com to find an exorcist.
|Or the Pope. You know, whoever would give me the best price.|
Luckily for me, Google knew that I was not being attacked by hell-spawn, but that I had suffered two episodes of SLEEP PARALYSIS. Sleep paralysis is a state of being conscious or semi-conscious while your body still has the natural paralysis brought on by REM sleep. Some symptoms include the feeling of pressure on your chest and midsections, as well as the absolutely demonic auditory hallucinations.
|The noises made by this REM are not hallucinations, sadly.|
After reading those symptoms, it's no wonder that my first thoughts were naturally that I was under attack by Satan himself. Really, it was the only logical explanation.
And that stream of terrible logic leads me to the pathetic anecdote which I must relate. Since I am terribly logical and of course thought that I was in a fight for my very soul, I started trying to figure out the weaknesses of the non-corporeal entity attacking me and how to use those weakness to defeat them. This is not an easy task when you can't move and you feel like you're being smothered. I came to the following amusing conclusions:
- The entity is not all powerful. If it was, it wouldn't need to sit on my chest and try to take my soul.
- The entity understands English. I knew this because I started winning the first bout when I started yelling, and unfortunately I quote, "I banish you from this house!" (this was not an easy thing to do, as my mouth and tongue were both paralyzed when i started trying this. I ended up mistaking the release of the paralysis as gaining advantage over the fell-beast).
- The entity can be banished by strength of will and poorly uttered words. See No. 2.
- The entity sounds like a swarm of bees that breathes quite heavily.
- I might be a witch. A male witch? A man witch?? A Manwich?!? A Warlock (the male version of a witch). But it is more likely that...
- I have been chosen by God to fight evil.
|Humphrey Bogart had so much hubris after he beat the devil, he had John Huston write a book and then adapt it into a movie, and then Bogart nailed Gina Lollocoptersbrigida.|