Tuesday, February 8, 2011

3 Simple Steps To Be More Manly

Hey Gentlemen, are you tired of having sand kicked in your face when you are at the beach?

From that asshole Charles Atlas? Yes!
Are you tired of having your woman being hit on in your presence by other men?

She's not a hooker, Charlie Sheen!
Are you tired of your co-workers always upstaging you when the boss is around?

Tim is such an douche. I can make squiggly lines also.
If you answered YES to any of these questions, then you are not manly enough!

That's right, mama's boy! You're just not manly enough to call yourself a man. What's that? You gona cry? YOU MAKE ME SICK.

Your masculinity equals 0. Turn in your man-card and your testicles.
But fear not, you big pussy. No man is beyond salvage.

Well, maybe this guy.
In just three simple steps, you can go from a she-nancyboy to a HE-MAN.

and he is so manly that he can ride a space tiger in a leather thong.
The steps to manliness:

1. Always take your coffee black. Why do you need cream and sugar? Is that to keep your ovaries from producing too many eggs, you wuss? Or maybe it's because your effete tongue can't handle the pure manliness that is black coffee? I know why, it's because nobody has told you that BLACK COFFEE IS MANLY. That's right. Super manly. Taking your coffee black tells everyone in the room "I can handle the bitter taste of coffee, just like I can handle this bitter existence that we call life." Now that you have your black coffee, that douchebag Tim, who is always trying to make you look bad in front of the boss, will look like the Nancy boy that he is when he fills his cup half full with cream and uses 13 packets of sugar. Black coffee = Manly.

Always take your Coffy black.
2. Never drink mixed drinks (except at breakfast). If you like Pina Coladas and getting caught in the rain, then your testicles have probably shriveled up into your body out of disgust. No one respects a man who walks into a bar and orders Long Island Iced Tea or Baltimore Zoo. Respect for a man comes from the following alcoholic equations:
Liquor + Ice = Respect
Liquor + Nothing = Respect
Find a drink that is acceptable anywhere, and learn to love it on its own or with some ice. Personally, I love Jack Daniels, and I know I can order it anywhere and no one will question whether I have any balls. They will know that I have three of them, and that they are very large.

The lone exception to this rule is the Bloody Mary, which is acceptable only at breakfast, and only to recover from a hangover/still being drunk.

Bloody Mary = Bloody Manly
3. Always wear a suit. "Bbbbbut I don't like wearing suits. The tie is hard to tie and they are not comfortable." Wwwwwell you must enjoy being ridiculed for looking like an ass, and having people talk about the lack of collared shirts in your daily ensembles. Sweet Baby Ray's you have absolutely got to man up on this one. People who wear a sharp suit gain +10 to credibility and +15 to respect, and that equals +25 to manliness. If you are going to regain your testosterone and be a man, you have to own at least two suits. The first should be a black suit. This will make you not look like an ass at both weddings and funerals. Plus, if you die, you have something manly to be buried in, and not something stupid.

No one will mourn your passing.
The second suit is a blue suit. A blue suit is good for all non wedding/funeral occasions, and the jacket easily becomes a blazer when worn with nice slacks or jeans. This way, you can go out with friends, not wear that dreaded tie (you pussy), and not look like a douchenozzel which is deserving of no respect.


Congratulations! By reading this post you have started on the path to manliness. By following the steps you just read, you will go from being a walking-ovary to being a Lady's Man, Man's Man, Man About Town. May all of your future manly endeavors succeed in manly glory!

I now leave you with a song celebrating your new found manliness, Now You're A Man!

EDIT: The question has been raised as to the acceptability of a Gin and Tonic, as well as mixed Jack drinks.

As to the Gin and Tonic question, gin and tonic will be considered manly, as will all bond-related martinis. Gin and Tonic is a classically manly drink, as are bond-related martinis.

Jack mixers, while not very manly in my mind, are also not unmanly. Example: A Pina Colada is unmanly;  a Jack & Coke is acceptable, but acceptable does not necessarily make it manly. Keep in mind that the aim of this post is to increase manliness, and not mere acceptability.


  1. "Congratulations! By reading this post you have started on the path to manliness."................

    SHIT! I didn't wanna be manly!!!!