Thursday, July 28, 2011

DEMONIC ATTACK... or Sleep Paralysis.

ZOUNDS! In the wee hours of this morning I suffered a most terrifying event. Twice.

I was completely paralyzed, I had a heavy pressure on my stomach and chest, I heard a buzzing and a heavy breathing, and I felt like I was being smothered. I honestly thought that I had been attacked by an evil entity. Twice.

It felt just like this.
Terrifying.

When I decided to change my pants and sneak out of bed, I went to my computer, evacuated my bedroom, and went to a more different room with the plan of going to yellowpages.com to find an exorcist.

Or the Pope. You know, whoever would give me the best price.

Luckily for me, Google knew that I was not being attacked by hell-spawn, but that I had suffered two episodes of SLEEP PARALYSIS. Sleep paralysis is a state of being conscious or semi-conscious while your body still has the natural paralysis brought on by REM sleep. Some symptoms include the feeling of pressure on your chest and midsections, as well as the absolutely demonic auditory hallucinations.


The noises made by this REM are not hallucinations, sadly.

After reading those symptoms, it's no wonder that my first thoughts were naturally that I was under attack by Satan himself. Really, it was the only logical explanation.

And that stream of terrible logic leads me to the pathetic anecdote which I must relate. Since I am terribly logical and of course thought that I was in a fight for my very soul, I started trying to figure out the weaknesses of the non-corporeal entity attacking me and how to use those weakness to defeat them. This is not an easy task when you can't move and you feel like you're being smothered. I came to the following amusing conclusions:
  1. The entity is not all powerful. If it was, it wouldn't need to sit on my chest and try to take my soul.
  2. The entity understands English. I knew this because I started winning the first bout when I started yelling, and unfortunately I quote, "I banish you from this house!" (this was not an easy thing to do, as my mouth and tongue were both paralyzed when i started trying this. I ended up mistaking the release of the paralysis as gaining advantage over the fell-beast).
  3. The entity can be banished by strength of will and poorly uttered words. See No. 2.
  4. The entity sounds like a swarm of bees that breathes quite heavily.
  5. I might be a witch. A male witch? A man witch?? A Manwich?!? A Warlock (the male version of a witch). But it is more likely that...
  6. I have been chosen by God to fight evil.
Admittedly, the last one was more a conclusion of hubris than a conclusion of logic. Don't give me those looks. You may not speak it, but your eyes say it all. You try not to be loaded with hubris after you beat the Devil. Twice.

Humphrey Bogart had so much hubris after he beat the devil, he had John Huston write a book and then adapt it into a movie, and then Bogart nailed Gina Lollocoptersbrigida.
Alas, my hubris was misplaced. I merely suffered an episode of a terrifying sleep disorder. Crivens.

Monday, July 18, 2011

The Nature of God and the Bar Exam, Thoughts on


But first, an explanation as to my absence from the internet for all this time…

Sorry about that. I was busy.

And now for the blog…

Konichiwa. Today I am writing about a very special topic and avoiding all the obvious humor related to it. This topic is The Bar Exam. Most people think that Bar is an acronym for Bitching-Ass Rough, but this is far from the truth. Bar is actually an acronym for the Latin Bastardi Abutor Resumptum – meaning “the bastards have resumed using abusive language at us.” This is in reference to the fact that you’ve graduated a lawyer but now those professors you “loved” get to yell at you one last time before you become a lawyer. But I digress.

For those of you lay people who don’t understand the significance of the Bar exam, allow me to put it to you like this. Imagine 25 years of schooling which culminates in a degree that is totally awesome and will get you big bucks if you land a job. Now imagine that after all of that schooling and the degree you still have an exam to take –put on by the state –which can pretty much derail any chance you have to work or make money. Now imagine that this exam is taken over two to three days and takes over 20 hours to complete. And that’s the bar exam. Great honor to those who pass it, eternal shame to those who fail it.

Samurai only ever take the Bar exam once. If you fail it, the only way to restore honor is to commit sepuku.

The Bar exam is the last great test that most attorneys will have to take in their lives. Knowing this, it is made as difficult as humanly possible.

This is where the nature of God comes into the picture. Putting your faith in a higher power is suggested for the taking of this exam. As much as hard work and preparation could get you ready to take the Bar exam, prayer will get you through it… And only prayer.

God does not care how much effort you put forth, so long as you ask him to help you out. Why do you think all athletes thank God upon winning a championship? Because while those heathens on the other team were devising strategy and practicing, the winning team had fully put their faith into God asked him for a winning season and a championship. And it’s not just any god, either. It’s the one true God. And the one true God is usually determined when religious institutions play one another in Football. If Texas Christian loses to Texas A & M (which as I understand stands for ‘Arab & Muslim’), then Texas Allah is the one true God. If Notre Dame loses to Purdue, then it is Odin Allfather and the Norse Pantheon which are the one true God(s) and Catholic Jesus is SOL.

Purdue primarily worships Thor's hammer, Mjölner.

So to those of you preparing for the Bar exam, you need to stop preparing and start finding religion. For those of you who want to support those taking the Bar exam, start praying or making sacrifices. The following is a list of acceptable deities to pray to, as well as those deities that you may want to avoid this Bar season (please note that this is all based on the results of the 2010-2011 Bowl season, as it is the only accurate way to determine which god’s are willing to listen):

  • Protestant Christian Jesus (Texas Christian won)
  • Mormon Jesus (Brigham Young won)
  • Catholic Jesus is a maybe (Boston College lost, Notre Dame won).
  • Zeus is a maybe (Michigan State lost, Troy won).
  • Allah is out (Texas A & M lost).
And, despite it not being a bowl game, Purdue lost to Notre Dame in regular season play, so the Norse Pantheon is out.


Purdue did not repent.

And there you have it. Now, pray, pour libations, and sacrifice away! The time for you to defeat the Bar and gain much honor is today!

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Filler Post Which Shall Abruptly End and Not Be Finished

Just one day until I depart this country for South America Africa, and as such I have no time for Charlie Sheen and the inevitable contractual lawsuit which will happen due to him being fired.

"You can't fire me because of moral turpitude. You waived that clause in the contract!"
Chuck has a point about waiver. What a fun law suit this will be!

But that is not important. What is important is that I have one day to pack, two weeks to be in South Africa, and a long time to take it the experience.

As such, I have decided to write a post which I have been planning on writing for a long time. Imagine: 

Italicized writing in the title, with big bold ALL CAPITAL RED OUTLINED LETTERS. It is either a very confusing title, a very telling title, or a title which is clearly an homage to a disfavored genre of movie. But the fact that it's in an relatively unused cinematic genre is OK. You know this, because before the title the movie is clearly labeled in the posessive manner,

QUENTIN TARANTINO'S

Now that I have your attention, with a lot of build up which would lead you to believe that this movie could be awesome, I need to break the sad truth that this movie could also be a total POS. Either way, you know one this will happen at least once...





That is a mouthpiece, and it is one of the trademarks of any Tarantino film. At some point, he has to go on a bullshit rant about some bullshit that nobody but him cares about, and the vehicle he uses as his rants are the characters.

Sound familiar?
Sometimes, he seamlessly folds this rant into the plot and it actually appears that the dialogue/monologue is quite natural (See Kill Bill Vol. 2, the scene where Bill is talking about Superman). Other times, Tarantino will shoehorn his bullshit rant into the movie and it just seems like another stupid Tarantino rant (See Pulp Fiction, When Uma Thurmon goes on that stupid rant at that guy from Grease about promising not to be angry or something stupid like that). Whether natural or not, all Mouthpiece scenes reduce that unique and interesting character to the horrible form Quentin Tarantino and they all sound exactly the same. They use the same half logic, the same pseudo-philosophy, and deliver it with the same nonsensical conviction.

You can’t promise not to be a mouthpiece. I have no idea what you’re gonna put in the script. You could script me what you’re gonna script me, and my natural response could be to be a mouthpiece for the director. Then, through no fault of my own, I woulda made this movie just like every other Tarantino film .
Wow, Uma, it's like that soliloquy you just delivered meaninglessly prolonged the plot. But that's ok! You got Quentin's bullshit message out there: no more asking for assurances, ever. And best of all, your soliloquy was totally in line with the deep coked-out nature of your character.

O noez! Gotta head to the  O'Hare Aeropuerto Internacional!  This is the abrupt ending I promised. Expect future Tarantinoesque rants to follow!

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Where Have I Been?

Better yet, where am I going?

But firstly, we will first examine the first question. I have been busy. School plus Student Bar Association plus preparing for the where am I going  portion of this post plus my job plus some things in my personal life have taken up a lot of my time.

I am sorry, but I can totally make it all up to you. Here is a rundown of what I would probably have posted on for the last few weeks.

  • Egypt
  • Libya
  • Malta, and it's famous falcons.
  • Wisconsin
  • Unions & the Tea Party
  • Charlie Sheen
  • Teddy Roosevelt
  • Charlie Sheen, again.
Basically, current events and Teddy Roosevelt. Though on the Sheen side, I personally have 4 Goddesses awaiting me in my bedroom, and I have two king-sized beds pushed together to accommodate the 5 of us.

To Sheen's everlasting credit, my face did experience periodic melting for around a week while I was trying to live the Sheen life. Cortisone really helped with that problem.

And during this whole time, doing all of those things I just said, I was in The JMLS. Living as a hermit.

BUT TO HELL WITH THAT STUFF (WELL, MOST OF IT).

The real question is the second question, which I will be addressing presently: Where am I going?

The answer is short, sweet, and totally awesome. South Africa.

What was that sound? Oh, that was just the sound of my awesome.

As opposed to SLOSH! which is the sound of Charlie Sheen's awesome.
South Africa. For those of you who do not know anything about South Africa other than it's geographic relationship with the rest of the African continent, South Africa is a hip western country with a New(ish) constitution and ridiculous human rights problems. It's where Nelson Mandela came up with the plot for Invictus and where Apartheid [JOKE REMOVED].

At this juncture, I want to thank the Paragon of Fair Housing, Meghan "Seductress" Kozlosky. She's the total babe who convinced me to go to South Africa and who I plan on making my mistress on my Charlie Sheenesque island.

Meghan is sexy one on the right. She killed that cheetah. The Cheetah picked a fight with a warlock. Cheetah blood now drips from her fangs. WINNING!

I will be there for several weeks, comparing constitutions, and doing human rights work. Oh, and BLOGGING! The Lion's share of the blogging will probably on our class-specific blog, and blogging duties will be shared with the entire class. Pictures and other things will be posted on there as well!

The Zebra's share of blogging for that will be on this, my personal blog, where I will try to remain as irrelevant as ever.

Is a Zebra some type of stupid horse?
You, the viewer, should follow both religiously. The South Africa blog will be updated daily. Spee Ipsa will be updated as I see fit. Now, bring me Dr. Clown shoes!

Monday, February 14, 2011

A Fine Legal Distinction

Another semester, another batch of confused 1Ls who are having a hard time with legal concepts. I empathize with you guys. It's tough starting this ridiculous law school thing.

To try to ease you into law school, and to help anyone in general, I wish to offer you some advice that will make your lives 100% easier.

Tortious ≠ Tortoise

This is a fine legal distinction, one which many 1Ls and lay people tend to mess up. Firstly, tortious and tortoise are two entirely different things.

Tortious (tawr-shuhs): - adj law 1. having the nature of or involving a tort; constituting a tort; wrongful

Tortoise (tawr-tuhs): - noun 1. any herbivorous terrestrial chelonian reptile of the family Testudinidae,  of most warm regions, having a heavy dome-shaped shell and clawed limbs

Despite the definitions clearly indicating that tortious is not tortoise, I have found that visual aides often help explaining many things having to do with the law.

The dude is battering the cute chick in pink, and is in turn being battered by the not-as-cute chick in black. Battery is a tortious act.
Notice the lack of any shelled reptiles. This lack of shelled reptiles is near conclusive indicia that what is going on is not tortoise.

This herbivorous terrestrial chelonian reptile of the family Testudinidae is what we call a tortoise.
Here, we see a shelled reptile that is not committing any sort of tort (we will assume that the reptile is not trespassing or committing fraud). Not committing any torts is strong indicia that what is going on is not tortious.

Now that you have seen the difference between tortious and tortoise, you should go through the following examples to solidify your grasp on the difference.

Answer the following question for all of the below pictures: Is the picture demonstrative of tortious or tortoise, and why?


Picture 1

Picture 2


Picture 3


Picture 4

Picture 5
Picture 6
Picture 7

Answers:

Picture 1 is tortious, because battery is a tort.
Picture 2 is tortoise, because it is a tortoise.
Picture 3 is tortious, because trespassing is a tort against property.
Picture 4 is tortoise, because it is a tortoise.
Picture 5 is tortoise, because it is a tortoise (If you guessed tortious, you were likely following what you thought was a patter. You should stay on your toes and analyze, instead of trying to read patters).
Picture 6 is tortious, because police brutality is a battery and property destruction (the sign) are both torts.
Picture 7 is both tortious and tortoise. First, it is tortious because punching someone consitutes battery, which is a tort. Second, it is tortoise because Rafael is a tortoise (the author using a broad definition of tortoise. He full well knows that Rafael is technically a turtle).

A final thought...
Armed with the knowledge of the fine distinction between tortious and tortoise, you can feel confident in all of your future legal endeavors. Good luck, and Godspeed!

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

3 Simple Steps To Be More Manly

Hey Gentlemen, are you tired of having sand kicked in your face when you are at the beach?

From that asshole Charles Atlas? Yes!
Are you tired of having your woman being hit on in your presence by other men?

She's not a hooker, Charlie Sheen!
Are you tired of your co-workers always upstaging you when the boss is around?

Tim is such an douche. I can make squiggly lines also.
If you answered YES to any of these questions, then you are not manly enough!

That's right, mama's boy! You're just not manly enough to call yourself a man. What's that? You gona cry? YOU MAKE ME SICK.

Your masculinity equals 0. Turn in your man-card and your testicles.
But fear not, you big pussy. No man is beyond salvage.

Well, maybe this guy.
In just three simple steps, you can go from a she-nancyboy to a HE-MAN.

and he is so manly that he can ride a space tiger in a leather thong.
The steps to manliness:

1. Always take your coffee black. Why do you need cream and sugar? Is that to keep your ovaries from producing too many eggs, you wuss? Or maybe it's because your effete tongue can't handle the pure manliness that is black coffee? I know why, it's because nobody has told you that BLACK COFFEE IS MANLY. That's right. Super manly. Taking your coffee black tells everyone in the room "I can handle the bitter taste of coffee, just like I can handle this bitter existence that we call life." Now that you have your black coffee, that douchebag Tim, who is always trying to make you look bad in front of the boss, will look like the Nancy boy that he is when he fills his cup half full with cream and uses 13 packets of sugar. Black coffee = Manly.

Always take your Coffy black.
2. Never drink mixed drinks (except at breakfast). If you like Pina Coladas and getting caught in the rain, then your testicles have probably shriveled up into your body out of disgust. No one respects a man who walks into a bar and orders Long Island Iced Tea or Baltimore Zoo. Respect for a man comes from the following alcoholic equations:
Liquor + Ice = Respect
Liquor + Nothing = Respect
Find a drink that is acceptable anywhere, and learn to love it on its own or with some ice. Personally, I love Jack Daniels, and I know I can order it anywhere and no one will question whether I have any balls. They will know that I have three of them, and that they are very large.

The lone exception to this rule is the Bloody Mary, which is acceptable only at breakfast, and only to recover from a hangover/still being drunk.


Bloody Mary = Bloody Manly
3. Always wear a suit. "Bbbbbut I don't like wearing suits. The tie is hard to tie and they are not comfortable." Wwwwwell you must enjoy being ridiculed for looking like an ass, and having people talk about the lack of collared shirts in your daily ensembles. Sweet Baby Ray's you have absolutely got to man up on this one. People who wear a sharp suit gain +10 to credibility and +15 to respect, and that equals +25 to manliness. If you are going to regain your testosterone and be a man, you have to own at least two suits. The first should be a black suit. This will make you not look like an ass at both weddings and funerals. Plus, if you die, you have something manly to be buried in, and not something stupid.

No one will mourn your passing.
The second suit is a blue suit. A blue suit is good for all non wedding/funeral occasions, and the jacket easily becomes a blazer when worn with nice slacks or jeans. This way, you can go out with friends, not wear that dreaded tie (you pussy), and not look like a douchenozzel which is deserving of no respect.

AND THERE YOU HAVE IT!

Congratulations! By reading this post you have started on the path to manliness. By following the steps you just read, you will go from being a walking-ovary to being a Lady's Man, Man's Man, Man About Town. May all of your future manly endeavors succeed in manly glory!

I now leave you with a song celebrating your new found manliness, Now You're A Man!

EDIT: The question has been raised as to the acceptability of a Gin and Tonic, as well as mixed Jack drinks.

As to the Gin and Tonic question, gin and tonic will be considered manly, as will all bond-related martinis. Gin and Tonic is a classically manly drink, as are bond-related martinis.

Jack mixers, while not very manly in my mind, are also not unmanly. Example: A Pina Colada is unmanly;  a Jack & Coke is acceptable, but acceptable does not necessarily make it manly. Keep in mind that the aim of this post is to increase manliness, and not mere acceptability.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

You Can Have Two Types of Ham...

Robert E. Lee, Narrator of today's post.
...City ham  and country ham.

This is a highly weighty distinction to make if you are ever in the City Cafe Diner Restaurant in Chattanooga, Tennessee.

The best damn Cafe Diner Restaurant in Dixie!
The City Cafe Diner Restaurant serves some of the finest breakfasts that any son of the south could have. The breakfasts are reasonably priced, and they offer a great variety of variety.

Variety, which includes, what type of ham one would prefer.

Ya' see, city ham is just regular ole' ham. Tastes like ham fresh off of the pig. Good ham, no question, but ham lacking in southern hospitality. Country ham, also known as Virginia ham, is far more salty and will put a smile on any child of Dixie's face.

Dixie Kong, namesake of geographic Dixie, was a great Confederate war hero.
Yankee's, what with their cold way of speech, prefer city ham, but good ole' boys prefer the salty taste of country, or Virginia, ham.

Virginia Woolf's cousin, Virginia Ham
Now, the City Cafe Diner Restaurant is an establishment which was founded with its identity in question. Should it be a Cafe, and cater to intellectuals and college hippies? Should it be a Diner, and be a greasy spoon serving the American migratory population? Should it be a Restaurant, and feed happy families on vacation?


Well, it's a good thing that The City Cafe Diner Restaurant decided to be a Cafe Diner Restaurant, or else how else would it offer such a variety of hams? Why, I do declare that the decision to be a Cafe Diner Restaurant must have been as easy as sliding off a greasy log backwards.

Which is quite easy, I do declare.
Why, you would be quite right in deciding to eat at the City Cafe Diner Restaurant on your next visit to Chattanooga, whether you want to visit the Choo-choo or the glorious natural wonder of Ruby Falls.